I've been so emotional lately. Not even like sad emotional. Like angry, pissed at the world emotional. Of course I’m sad sometimes too, but lately everything has just been getting under my skin. I’m like a girl, having menstruation, let’s take it easy for a while alright?!
So this super cute girl was sitting far next to me in the hall yesterday and she totally kept smiling at me, but because my appearance yesterday was less than appealing and I’m a chicken shit and have no balls, I didn’t talk to her. Dumb. I totally should have anyway. But she was also sitting next to some girls, probably her friends whom I presume were her friends because she didn’t seem too “girlfriendish” acting around them. So I felt even more akward about approaching her because, I know how boys are, I am one, and they would have judged the shit out of me. You know what I mean? Yeah, so we had a Customer Service exam and I didn’t took a pen along with me so I return to the back of the hall to find a pen in my bag. But, Miss Cuttie sitting far next to me must have saw me going back of the hall and she purposely bumped into my direction. Say what?
Okay, I’m lame. I just feel like my life is so weird right now in the sense that I don’t like anyone, and as far as I know, no one likes me. It’s weird to me, because for a while now, I’ve either been talking to girl/dating a girl/crushing on a girl, and now it’s like wait... I don’t have any girl to text? No girl I like is texting me? Like, it’s cool, because I’m free. I can focus on myself for once. I don’t have that stress that comes along with being with someone or dating someone.
You know the;
“I wonder what they’re doing tonight.”, “I hope they don’t meet someone else they like better than me.”, ”Why do they like me? Do they really like me? Or are they just using me until something better comes along?”.
But I feel really weird. I mean I haven’t had a “serious” girlfriend in almost a year now, and I guess maybe that’s why I’m feeling this way? I’ve dated here and there in between then and now, but maybe I’m ready to get “settled down” again. Not settled down as in getting married. Eww please, I’m only 17. Definately not ready for that yet. But, I feel like I’m ready to dive in again. I hope I am anyway. I’ve been grieving for a very long time now since someone walked out of my life that I love very much still to this day, but I’ve accepted that I love her and that it’s okay to feel that way, and to miss her. I have also accepted that she’s not coming back to me. I did nothing wrong to her. But she hurt me. More than I could ever make her comprehend.
So deeply, that a year later I’m still in pain over it. But she knows that, and I don’t feel the need to rub that in her face. I know I’m not the only one to ever get hurt like this, so to sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore would be a waste of my precious time. I deserve to be happy. I think I’m pretty fucking awesome and I am anxious to see what mysterious girl will pin me down. But in the meantime, I will continue to be single and free and living my life. I will be open to love, but I won’t be begging for it. So many new things are coming up in my life in the next 8-9 months. I’m going to be living on my own, in an unknown city to me. It’s exciting! Plus, serving my nation too!
I’ve been listening to Muse all day. I apparently didn’t have their Showbiz album and some of the songs from The Origin of Symetry and Resistance. I don’t know HOW I missed that! Fucking amazing albums. I Love them. Seriously, fave alternative rock band of all time. They’re just, heavenly. I would like to send out a big thanks to Muse. They are what really got me into rock music back. I want to see them live again, like now, please come to Singapore again. Like... right now. And.. let’s see, I’m super tired. My eyes burn every morning because I’m tired. And every morning I say “I’m gonna go to bed early tonight.” Yeah, well here I sit. It’s actually not too early. And I think I’m going to hit the hay now. Watch some TV and relax.
