Okay, so something else came up.
I realize that due to my beliefs that everyone is judging me, that everyone is out to get me, and people don’t care about what I say, I have grown to be very.. socially awkward. I stutter when I try to say things, I can’t find anything to talk about, I can’t respond to things people say. I think that whenever I’m in a group and I don’t say anything, I just drag everyone down with me. I think when I enter the room with my socially awkward self, I darken the room and therefore am not wanted there.
BECAUSE OF THIS, I try to avoid all social interaction as possible. No parties, no chill outs, no anything that involves interacting with people. The only people that I TRULY feel comfortable is my family. Not my cousins and stuff, but my family. The 6 people that have been living with me for a long while now. I think it’s because they know what my living habits are (is there such thing?) and so I’m comfortable doing things and saying things with them around.
LOL TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.
I mean, with my family, I can ask them something or put in my two cents without worrying whether or not they will hear me. If they hear, great. If they don’t, I just shrug it off. Their bad. But when I’m with friends and I throw in my suggestion or opinion or whatever and they don’t hear what I say (or choose to ignore it), I feel like what I say doesn’t matter. Or I’m not important enough for them to listen.
Also, sometimes when I share a random thought or experience with friends.. it either goes well and the conversation keeps going, or it goes all awkward and then someone has to bring the conversation back to life again. You know what else? When you say something, the other person didn’t hear you and they just smile and nod. Like, I think asking me to repeat myself is better than you PRETENDING that you heard what I said.
Being really introverted during the Hari Raya time will really do a great deal of damage to my relationships. It will do more damage to NEW relationships rather than old ones. Old friends have known you for a while and know that you’re always there even if you guys don’t talk for weeks. New friends? They didn’t know you long enough to understand your habits during different times of the day, week, month, year.
Gah, relationships are so complicated, I wonder how I’ll be in the future.
